feotakahari | (no subject)

I don’t think you’re ever morally obligated to be friends with someone.

When I was younger, I thought my brother T was a jerk. He was well aware of his incredible intelligence, and he looked down on people when he thought they were “acting stupid.” If they showed too much emotion, or showed emotion about what he considered the wrong things, he would make fun of them. He didn’t seem to care if he hurt people’s feelings.

He went off to college, and apparently, he grew up. He’s not as hurtful as he used to be, and it’s easier to hold a conversation with him. He gets along better with my mother, and she says he wants to get along with me, too.

It’s not that I hold any particular grudge against T. I could interact with him if I felt I had to. But I don’t care enough about T to miss him or want him back in my life. To put it simply, I’m not interested in him anymore.

I believe that friendship, like love, is an act that requires the consent of both parties, and I don’t think you necessarily need a “valid reason” to dissolve it. It can be as simple as saying “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

👏👍

Indeed.

You dont owe him anything. When people come at you about this, explain that you gave him your tries back when he was being a jerk and your tries are all gone now. Maybe he will be such a changed person someday that you will want him back in your life. But right now he is still in the Experiencing Consequences phase of becoming that better person.

Maybe it will never happen, but right now this is how you feel. Being forced to pretend friendship is only going to make you resent him, them, and the whole situation.

The one exception I feel to this rule is when you are the legal caretaker or guardian of someone or something that can't fend for itself--a child, for instance. If you can't fulfill that obligation, then it's okay to find a way to have it fulfilled by someone else, but no fair leaving someone in the lurch when they lack the power or ability to care for themselves.

I try to avoid addressing parent-child relationships, since so many of my moral intuitions are based around the idea of two people in an equal stance with equal rights. I really don’t know how to be a good parent, or for that matter, a good dom, and my only idea of a good leader is one who leads from within rather than above.